“The Endurance of Christian Love”

For Dr. TJ Geiger and Dr. Sara Dye, who modeled for me these virtues in some of the most tumultuous times of my “faith journey.” 

There has been much discussion lately, on this blog and in the greater Christian culture (i.e. Twitterspheres), about deconstruction. Cole has written a few posts about deconstruction and its relationship to the ideas of community and selfishness. I’m not here to necessarily add anything to those thoughts; instead, I want to talk about how to love people in the midst of their deconstruction. 

My ethos lies solely in the fact that my whole life has been a nonlinear pattern of deconstruction and people have loved me at all points of my “journey.” I went from traditional Assemblies of God roots to nondenominational, then to universalist, Reformed Baptist, and now somewhere more progressive than ever before. On that-- I don’t know how to define where I’m at right now, other than that I have a lot of questions and am open to a lot of answers. Audrey Assad, a singer/songwriter who I respect, Tweeted this in response to a doctrinal question:

This is my exact response when people ask me where I land theologically. All I know is that I land somewhere with the understanding that God is love and that God would have me love others. 

Anyway, as someone who has undergone various phases of deconstruction, I feel I’ve gleaned a few helpful insights about how to be a caring friend to someone who is deconstructing. Some of these things I’ve experienced, some of these things I wish I had experienced. 

Completely Accept

“Therefore welcome one another as Christ has welcomed you, for the glory of God” (Romans 15:7, ESV).

The most important thing we can do for friends who are questioning, and friends in general, is to completely accept them. Complete acceptance doesn’t have to mean acceptance of their beliefs, but of their humanity and of their value. I think the polarization of our culture has led us to this place where we divide everyone we know into the two camps: us or them. With me or against me. However, all this does is harm us. When a friend starts questioning something we hold firmly, it is easy to feel like they are now the “enemy.” This is a natural outcome of our culture and, more broadly, of human nature.

I think this goes deeper than just theological tribalism. When a trusted friend departs from a belief or belief system you had shared with them, you might feel afraid that you are wrong, or afraid that they now view you as wrong. Being close to deconstruction can bring with it feelings of insecurity and even tension in the relationship. However, it doesn’t have to be this way. If we focus first on acceptance and then on doctrine, our relationships will thrive and even invite healthy dialogue about our differences. It’s the order that matters most; if we value doctrine and then acceptance, I’d posit that we don’t really value acceptance.

I would like to make a caveat. There are certain ideas and doctrines that we do not have to completely accept. If a doctrine brings harm to you, you do not have to “be the bigger person” and radically accept it. These principles are meant to be practiced within the bounds of loving relationships, not abusive ones. In these situations, we can fully accept others as being human and worthy of dignity, but not accept their ideas and doctrines. When possible, we should make value judgments about practical outcomes rather than about people. 

Believe in Intellect

“For in [Christ] we both have access in one Spirit to the Father” (Ephesians 2: 18, ESV). 

One of the most beautiful things a friend has said to me, in the midst of decisions and questions and doubt, was that she knew that the Spirit in her was the same Spirit in me. She and I may disagree on everything doctrinally, politically, and morally, but our mutual love for each other brought with it a respect and a belief that we are each intellectually and spiritually able to experience God and find Truth.

This is a deeply personal point for me. Many times, conversations about theological differences can turn into questioning the intellect of the other. That is, many (myself included) cling to the idea that, if everyone had only read as much as we had or thought as hard as we, they would agree with us; but that isn’t true. All of church history is riddled with ridiculously intelligent theologians disagreeing with other ridiculously intelligent theologians. We even see these tensions in Scripture, from the people who walked and talked to Christ himself. To think that we can now have a full and complete understanding of all aspects of God is simply vanity. 

So, we have to approach theology in humility, and when we approach theology in humility, differences in belief become not an intellectual failing, but an opportunity to learn something about God: who God is, what God has done, and what God is doing. As someone who has deconstructed and is deconstructing, please don’t assume that it is because I’m intellectually incapable of grasping your belief, and I will strive to take the same view of you. 

Engage Meaningfully

“Do not neglect meeting together, as is the habit of some, but encourage one another” (Hebrews 10:25, ESV). 

The last, and perhaps most important thing, is to continue to engage with these friends. Deconstruction is a lonely and isolating place. It can often feel easier to simply avoid the topics of religion and God and doctrine, but this often leads to the “deconstructee” feeling unseen and unknown among friends. There are ways to talk about theology that do not devolve into an us vs. them conversation, and often that just looks like thoughtful question-asking.

If there is any hope for unity in Christ, we have to be able to engage meaningfully about things that matter. Of course, it’s much easier to say that we love and disagree with each other than it is to actually do it. This is scary on both ends, because no one wants to be seen as only their theological beliefs (which tends to happen in tribalism). But, no one wants to have to put away part of themselves in the presence of a friend.

Depending on the relationship, engaging meaningfully can look like simply holding space for theological conversations with your friend, it can look like doing a book study together, or it can look like consistently showing up as a friend, even when you have nothing else in common. Whatever happens, the worst possible thing to do is to simply not talk about it. Deconstruction (and the subsequent re-construction) is an important process, and must be respected as such. Though ignoring it may be the most comfortable option, that is not friendship. Friendship that stands the test of time allows and even encourages people to change and grow.

I’ll end on this Proverb: “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity” (17:7). Friendship during deconstruction is messy and hard and at times offensive, but it is also an opportunity to practice real, Christian love. Christian love transcends ideas of doctrine and self-image and correctness, and looks to the shared image of God as reason enough to accept, believe in, and engage with our friends.